When they are no longer little
12 years ago (great now I feel old), I lived in a swirling world of chaos with a 2 & half year old + newborn twins. All that "chasing around, sleep deprived, emotionally exhausted, Caillou hating, random stepping on leggos, if I find one more cheerio in my hair, baby b has barfed again (acid reflux!), potty training, no nap taking, never enough coffee" whirlwind of days. I rarely made it out of the house... just the thought of packing for that was too exhausting.
When I did venture out, it was pretty much once my partner in crime got home, so we could tackle the world together. We would load the car and off we went, with the windows down to feel the wind and a moment of freedom on our faces. Laughing, we thought, once they are older we will have a more time and things will calm down.
They are now tweens and a teen, but it feels like they are going on 22. We do have more time, but it's a whole different kind of busy. They go to school for a good part of the day, and now housework can get done, dinner prep can be organized, I get to work on my photography business.... but the time from when they come home until they go to bed, we are back to a whirlwind of chaos. It's like they are trying to make up for the time they were away.
And don't get me wrong, I know this is the mom life. I signed up for this, I love it and SO appreciate the "me time" when they are at school. But, it doesn't make it much easier. It's even kinda tougher, in a different way though. More intense, more emotional. Sometimes I see my 2 yr old neice having a "2 yr old moment"... you know, where they ask for something like fruit snacks and you give them some, but then they have an emotional breakdown, because you gave them fruit snacks. I long for those moments. Yeah, crazy right?! It was a lot easier then to shake your head and laugh. Kinda cuter too.
The time somehow goes by way faster. Blurry. As if by the time I reach out to grab it and hold on, it has rushed by -- gone and I missed it. It is so cliche, right? "Everything goes by sooo fast". Go ahead and make fun... but once you are in it, it is overwhelmingly emotional. The feeling of joy for them and yet, at the same time, heartache for them growing up -- makes me think of the grandma quote from the movie "Parenthood". It sums it up so perfectly. I do love a wicked rollercoaster.
I am so proud of the beautiful souls my three are becoming. They have deep passions and are so strong and giving, each in their own ways. And as you watch them, it hits you. They are so their own person now, not needing you as much, eager to do it all. And you smile, with a clenched heart. It is such a beautiful scary thing.
My oldest is graduating Middle School this week, and I am beyond words for how this can be here already (hence this rambling post). Trying to get my emotions in check, yes I am being "that" mom. I know she is ready for this next chapter -- even though I am not. I guess I just want more time with them while they are still this age. I want to be in our little bubble of laugher and chaos, and hug it tightly and not let anyone disrupt it. But that is not possible, and I love that rollercoaster. It is such an amazing ride to take. This... this is why I try to document it all and print it out. I want to remember all of it, before it zips by and I forget.
And everyone keeps saying, "Just wait, in a blink they will be graduating high school!!". Slow your roll people. Yeah, I know and I'm going to be a disaster when that day arrives. So, if you are one of my friends, you better have the whiskey on call. Anyone have that superpower that can slow down time yet?? <3